Fine Tuning the Wagon

Here's to fine-tuning my "wagon".  For those who may not know, I'm making my own weight-loss wagon.  I'm tired of falling "off the wagon" which isn't mine.  In this post, I'm fine-tuning my wagon a bit.  It's my wagon and I can do what I want to with it right?  I've been focusing primarily on my eating habits, but now I'm ready to attack this monster from all sides.  After all, shouldn't my wagon be a complete one that meets all my needs in this journey?  So, I am exposing some of my vulnerabilities and dark corners of my spirit to tell you about how I'm making this wagon and journey work for me. 

First, exercise more.  Check.  I found a great exercise class that I do with my girlfriends on Saturdays that involves doing aerobics on giant trampolines.  It is a blast and I've not had this much fun working out in literally, decades.  I'm also exercising using the Power 90 DVDs (It's what you do when you're not ready for P90X) after work during the week and resting on Sundays.  I'm finally taking steps to make time in my schedule to exercise. 

Second, rule out any physical issues or limitations. Check.  I'm seeing my physician this week for a physical and bloodwork to rule out any thyroid issues or other underlying physical issues that might be hindering my wagon.  Is it weird of me to kinda hope that I have a thyroid issue (that's fixable of course) so that there's some other reason I'm this size other than I eat too much and don't get enough activity?

Third, get help with my mental "issues".  Check, I'm seeing a counselor this week for treatment of my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from my second tour to Iraq and to dive into my "issues" with food and behavioral eating.  I know working through PTSD is challenging enough, but pair that with my other issues and it's a perfect storm of comfort eating.  I could write an entire post about emotional and comfort eating.  But let me just tell you a story of the very moment my issues with the relationship between food/size/beauty/worth began.  I was 12, and not a bit overweight, just awkward.  My family was sitting in the living room watching television when my thin, beautiful mom emerged from the kitchen with a beautiful slice of toast dripping with delicious butter and strawberry jam.  I asked my mom if I could also have a piece of toast.  She paused, and said, "I guess, but you can't put butter on it."  Not wanting toast without butter because it just doesn't taste good, I asked why I couldn't have butter.  To which my mom replied, "because it's fattening."  And snap, there it was in my brain, that very moment I thought, "I don't deserve butter because I'm not thin and beautiful."  I'm sure my mom didn't intend to ingrain this thought process into me, it's just how my brain works.  So I went to the kitchen and made my piece of toast, without butter and ate it, hoping someday I would be thin enough to deserve to eat butter like my mom.  Combined with lots of other comments about fattening food and how I had to fit into a bathing suit from my mom, her mother, and every beauty magazine I poured over, I was indoctrined to believe that beauty equals worth.  And thus began my unhealthy relationship with food and the mindset that I didn't deserve anything if I wasn't thin and beautiful.  Never quite measuring up and never quite being good enough to actually deserve the food I was eating, I would eat it in quantity seeking that worth.  I found immediate comfort in eating it, because food has been a constant friend to me, but experiencing later guilt for not being thin and eating it anyway.  These are some of the issues I'll be addressing in my therapy. 

Fourth, increase my prayer life.  I was praying to God the other day, asking for His assistance, wisdom, guidance, whatever it takes to get rid of this burden.  I asked in my prayer what was it that I needed to do, what was it that I wasn't already doing (as if I could do this with my own strength).  And God spoke to my heart and said, "You've got to give this up to me and lean on me."  One would think that would be great, so easy right?  Cool, thanks God, you got this, I'm just gonna sit back and watch you work this one for me.  I don't know why my heart sank a little when He whispered this to me.  You see, I have more "issues" with trust.  It even applies to trusting God.  You see, most people in my life have promised me this and that (even with the best of intentions) and never delivered, so whenever someone promises me something, I hope for the best and prepare my heart for the worst in an attempt to minimize the disappointment and damage when I get let down, again.  I instinctively take this approach with God.  It's wrong and it's completely incorrect and of all the people who have never let me down, God is on the top of that list.  But I'm constantly fighting my instinct to control everything and my instinct to prepare for God not to come through for me.  So when He whispered, give this up to me, I knew what that meant.  Giving up the control, giving up my security blanket and trusting God to lead me through this and give me the strength.  So, I'm increasing my prayer life so that I'm in constant contact with my loving, never-disappointing God.

My ultimate goal is to achieve health and be happy with whatever size or weight that happens to be.  I want this to happen naturally.  I refuse to spend the rest of my life counting calories, fat, carbs, whatever the fad of the day is.  I want health to come instinctively to me.  I want my lifestyle to be one that requires no counting, no measuring, no assigning worth or success or failure to the scale.  A lifestyle that naturally promotes health and keeps me healthy.  I am walking this journey instead of running it, not knowing exactly what's around the corner; but still putting one foot in front of the other.  Moving forward towards my goal, one little step at a time. 

So, lets see what these new upgrades do to my weight loss wagon and how this affects my journey.  Athena's Weight-Loss Wagon Version 2.0...